How many birthdays have you?

Imagine a few more candles and we're there!

I'm 18 today.

Surprised? 

Here's the story: 18 years ago today, I understood for the first time what Jesus' sacrifice on the cross had done for me. I recognized that I was a sinner, realized that I needed Jesus and accepted Him into my heart. That was the day that I was born again.

I know for certain that it was June 27, 1994, because the amazing, godly woman who led me in that prayer keeps records of such things, and I asked her about it a few years ago.

So, now I celebrate two birthdays each year; one physical and one spiritual.

This year is a milestone for me. I've been saved for 3/4 of my life. Also, it signifies the true end of my teenage years. I have gone through six years of college and finally graduated; I've gone through two breakups that both taught me a few valuable lessons; I've experienced the ache of ending friendships - and the miracle of resurrecting one I thought was lost. I've gone through so many changes as a person, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, that I am not even the same person I was a year ago.

And now it's time to enter a new phase: adulthood.

An 18-year-old may not act like an adult, but she is still legally considered an adult and must suffer consequences and receive rewards as an adult does. There are different benefits and different rules that come with being an adult. An adult has more responsibility, yet more freedom to choose how to deal with her responsibilities. An adult does not make excuses, but admits when she is at fault and strives to overcome her weakness. An adult recognizes that "independance" is just a wishful invention of teenagers who think that the rules their elders set for them are restrictive, when, in fact, they are for protection. There is no independence-only a misplaced reliance on the self, which falls away when each person recognizes that they need each other and God to get them through life.

An adult is not defined by what she does, but by who she trusts in every minute of the day. But acting like an adult certainly helps! C.S. Lewis said it well in Mere Christianity:

"Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already. That is why children's games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown-ups-playing soldiers, playing shop. But all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits, so that the pretence of being grown-up helps them to grow up in earnest." 

So, from this day forward, I am going to really start acting like an adult. And I will start becoming one. I will keep my trust in Christ always, even when my fears try to tell me he's turned his back. I will strive to know his nature, and lean on him when I know I need his help.

And I'll celebrate little milestones like this: my birthday.

In closing, I'd like to share the second verse of the Birthday song. I'm not sure how many of you have heard or sang this before, but we always sang it in the Grace Brethren church I grew up in, so I've become very fond of this verse:

Happy Birthday to you,
Only one will not do;
Born again means salvation,
How many birthdays have you?

Imagine forever, never alone

I had a vision last month.

In my vision, I was surrounded by a dozen bright angels, but they were all facing away from me. They seemed to be ignoring me, turning away from my pleas for help. All around me I could hear whispers telling me things about myself, things that made me feel awful. I began crying, and I desperately wanted comfort. And these angels didn't seem to care how broken and alone I was.

Then I thought of seeking comfort elsewhere. I tried leaving the angels, but they had formed a tight barricade around me. I felt like a prisoner in that circle of light. I even started suspecting that these angels were saying all the terrible things about me. I couldn't see their faces, so I couldn't rule out that possibility.

Gradually, my eyes grew more acclimated to the light around me. I began to see that more was going on than I first thought. I couldn't see anything of substance beyond the angels. In fact, it seemed like I would be in complete darkness if they weren't there.

And they weren't just standing. The group of them were revolving around me, making dramatic motions that looked quite strange from behind. It might have been an angelic version of the Macarena.

Just as sound travels behind light, my ears were opened to the truth only after my eyes had led them. I began to hear the flinch-worthy sounds of battle.

These angels weren't dancing; they were fighting to protect me!

A swarm of writhing, screeching, gnawing, biting demons was clawing its way toward me, but all of the demons were held back by this wonderful barrier of angels all around me. Not one demon was able to reach me. Not one of them could even catch a glimpse of me. I was safe from their touch, and safe from their gaze.

I couldn't get out, and nothing else could get in.

I was honored and humbled at once. To be so important that a guard of angels fought to protect me, yet so helpless that I couldn't raise my own sword in defense.

In the shock of seeing, hearing and understanding what was going on, I had forgotten about the whispers. As I calmed down, They began to reach me again.

But now, I knew where they were coming from. Insults, gripes, pessimistic foretellings, reminders of failed friendships and injustices... the demons were behind them all. Because they could not touch me, they shouted insults my way. The enemy lashed out with words to spite the words my creator spoke to give me life. And because I was blinded to their presence, I felt alone and worthless.

But when I realized all of this, the flame of their words dwindled and fell like ash.

And I realized something else.


I am never alone.

Full-circle: The Transcendence of God (Video post)

Have you ever come across an old journal entry or school project of yours and realized that you haven't come that far after all? Have you maybe realized that some of the ideas expressed are far different from the ones you have now... and then wished that you still thought that way or believed that way?

I had that experience a couple of months ago. I was roaming through old files on my computer... I have each semester's work in its own folder, saved up for posterity, I suppose. Some of the files are absolute rubbish... but some are gems that I forgot I'd hidden.

This gem was a silly, cheesy, low-quality video for my Basic Christian Beliefs class in spring 2010. It was one of the very few team projects I've done that worked out beautifully. My teammates got to go ask questions to get footage, and I got to explain this idea about God... this diagram that had been rolling around in my head... It was a win-win. We all had fun, and we all got an A.

The term "full-circle" is both apt and ironic right now... because in one sense, I've come full-circle from being obsessed with this diagram to kind of forgetting about it for awhile to being a bit obsessed with it again. And it's also about a circle... which also contains an eternity symbol and comes in contact with a line. Okay, I'm a nerd.

And so, without further ado, here is the silly video, unchanged from when we submitted it... in three parts. Yep. This is amateur stuff right here... but I am still amazed at how relevant it still is.

The God of grace, not grades

A truth universally acknowledged among the average college student is that the last few weeks of every semester are (almost always) the hardest.

And if you're obsessed with getting good (or better) grades, those same few weeks are hell.

Filled with worries, anxieties and nervous jitters, grade-obsessed students are likely to panic in the last few weeks before finals. They will start nitpicking their syllabuses, counting up how many points they need to make an A, and inwardly sighing at the professors whose grading scales don't include all the point-earning assignments.

Some students become hyper-vigilant and doggedly forge their way through the end of the semester. Others crash and burn, struggling to make it through each day without a homework catastrophe.

I tend to be of the latter variety, except that I start burning out much sooner. I've noticed a trend, too. I burn out at an earlier point in each subsequent semester. I start losing sleep, accidentally sleeping in, trudging through the days, finding difficulty explaining the simplest things and struggling to even write coherent sentences. It's a good thing (in more ways than one) that I'm graduating in May.

Burnout isn't always a symptom of grade-obsession, but despondence is. Whenever I start actually wallowing in despair, the only way out of it is to realize how I got in it. And for me, despondence about school starts when I make grades my idol.

It starts when I begin praying for handouts from God, in the form of energy, clarity and time. This prayer in itself isn't a bad thing, but when it becomes the only communication I have with Him each day, again and again, it starts getting unhealthy. I start unconsciously seeing Him as a rich relative I'm trying to convince to give me a new corvette. I forget the part about being created for His purposes, not my own.

And when He chooses not to honor my requests, knowing full well that they were from a wrong attitude, I grow discontented and wallow more in despair. A dark, dreary cloud of ungratefulness starts to cover my heart, blocking my view of God's great providence.

God wants us to put Him above all things, including good grades. If we spend all our energy on getting the grade, but leave God out while doing so, are we really improving our lives? What is one mark out of many on a transcript when you compare it to a thriving relationship with the most important person in the universe?

Obscurity

Lack of context gets me every time.

I saw something that I thought was awesome at the Friends University Library the other day. It perfectly fit into things that I've been learning about my relationship with God lately.

Specifically, it reminded me of a couple of verses in Philippians that I discussed in Bible study a few weeks ago.

"So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." - Philippians 2:12-13

I've been thinking a lot about these verses for the past two months, because it's one that most people don't understand when they read them at first. The key words, "work out" are what really stand out to me. It's as if God has given us these muscles of salvation and asks us only to use them. He is the one who is working within us. He is the one who makes us strong. We only need to trust that God is doing what He says he is doing. Part of trusting Him is being patient, and yielding to His will if it differs from our own. The wonderful part of this process is that as we grow closer to God, our wills mesh with His will for us.

Text reads: "Your part is to yield yourself; His part is to work."

So, naturally when I saw this calendar at the library circulation desk, I had to take a picture and post it to Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.

Yes, I'm a nerd. I'm a Jesus nerd.

Something so simple as a daily promise calendar can still stir up many little inklings of something greater. And this was not just a simple saying, but a convergence of all the things I have been learning lately through studying, talking with people and my quiet times with God. I was awe-struck to see all these thoughts combined in one sentence.

Unfortunately, it was also prime candidate for "Christianese." This is a language that Christians speak that is highly specific to what we assume other Christians have read and learned. But sometimes, Christians forget that other people don't speak Christianese.

A few days after I posted this picture, one of my non-Christian friends commented on it, asking what it meant. And frankly I still don't know how to respond. How do I explain how I believe God is working in my life when I'm not sure if my explanation will be understood?

Evangelists must have the hardest task of all Christians. They can't simply say whatever they're comfortable saying to other Christians. They must think through what the "uninitiated" would understand and speak to people where those people are rather than where they want them to be.

I really do want to reach people for Christ. But I think my true calling -- for now -- is to help other Christians learn what I've been learning. Perhaps later I will learn to break through the cloud of obscurity that is Christianese.

Three in one

There is so much confusion about the triune nature of God. I think that a lot of it is based on how divisive the different branches of Christianity have become. Different denominations choose to emphasize and de-emphasize different things for their own purposes of interpretation.

It seems to me that fundamental Christianity prefers to emphasize the three O's (omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotence) and God's fatherly characteristics. This is what I grew up with, and it happened to help a lot in my faith because my own dad is pretty cool.

Modern Christianity loves to emphasize Christ as lover -- the bridegroom of the Church and the dashing prince who risks his neck to swoop in and save the day. I love this metaphor, and it has become fitting for me to think of Him this way.

And what many would call charismatics prefer to focus in on the Holy Spirit's all-consuming empowerment and the gifts He enables us to use through Him.

(my nomenclature for these categories is not set-in-stone -- it's just a general idea of how different groups can get an unbalanced mindset over time.)

We miss so much when we just limit God to one of these. We fail to realize that a healthy relationship with God involves understanding and relating to him in all three ways. He is simultaneously Father, Lover and Guide. These three distinct people are really rather difficult for the human imagination to condense into one person (Just as the human eye, weak flesh as it is, would go blind if exposed to the raw glory of God), so God relates to us in three.

Feel free to add your thoughts. I would love to get some feedback/verse references to back up my thoughts, because I'm thinking of writing a series of blog posts based on God's trinity.